Let's kill the Phantom Apostropher!

He comes at night, scattering his black seeds on to pages in offices and universities, newspapers and high streets. At other times he does the reverse and sucks the dots off the page, leaving acres of words naked and confused. Yes, he is the scourge of our times: the Phantom Apostropher!

This creature is omnivorous. He devours full stops and commas, closing quotes and capitals, but his greatest delight is to create apostrophe mayhem. Here he has successfully caused so much confusion that whole generations pass through life never gaining an understanding of how these little dots work.

As a contribution to comprehension and sanity, here are a few simple rules that should be easily memorised.

When to use an apostrophe
The apostrophe tells you when something is missing, so

• it is = it's                   
• do not = don't  
• The sky is grey becomes the sky's grey

The apostrophe tells you when something belongs to something else, so

• That dress belongs to Hilary Clinton = Hilary Clinton's dress
• Russell Crowe has a telephone = Crowe's phone
• The end of the journey = the journey's end

Even when the word ends in s you still add the apostrophe-s

• Tom Hanks's wife           
• Tiger Woods's caddy
• The camels's trainer        
• The glasses's stems

Ah, tricky. You don't say camelses, you say camelz and glassez. So leave off the last s

• The camels' trainer          
  
• The glasses' stems

Words like children or women are a trap. They don't end in s but they're still plurals, so

• The children's game of tag
• Women's fashions

When not to use an apostrophe
The Phantom Apostropher runs around leaving his mark where it doesn't belong, particularly on high street windows.

• Quality meat's should be Quality meats
• Marlboro 25's should be Marlboro 25s
• Trouser's and shirt's should be Trousers and shirts

Last but not least, don't use apostrophes with pronouns, even when something belongs to something, so

• Groom its coat               
• The error is hers

So it's not that hard - pass this around and we may yet defeat the fiend!

editgold thanks Ray Beatty at www.ebeatty.com for the use of this article.


How to write a job application to me

The letters absolutely infuriate me. They seem innocuous enough: Dear Sir/Madam, I have just completed my Bachelor of Arts in literature and commerce and feel that I would be very well suited for a position as a copywriter in an organization such as yours. I would be very pleased for the opportunity to meet you in order to present my credentials blah, blah, blah. I send back a polite letter written through gritted teeth explaining that we have no such position at the moment but wishing them the very best of luck in their quest.

In reality, what I would like to do is grab the writer by the collar and give them a good shake. Listen you twit! You are writing the single most important letter you are ever going to write in the whole of your life. This is the letter that will set the course for your future. Yet you write it as if you were applying for a minor clerical position to shuffle envelopes in a mail center.

Self-advertising and competition

I don't know who teaches our young people how to write job applications and resumes but, quite honestly, they haven't a clue. Finding a first job these days is a desperately tough assignment. The job market is intensely competitive. There are a hundred qualified applicants for each job and you have to be noticed if you want to make it to first base. You're never going to do that with a boring form letter.

A letter is like any piece of advertising. If you don't win them in the first couple of sentences the chances are you'll lose them forever. That introductory paragraph has to grab, it has to have some emotion, some compulsion. It has to make the reader want to know more, arouse curiosity, excite the senses.

A job application is an advertisement for yourself. You are the product, the gee-whizz solvent with added enzymes that's going to solve all the reader's problems. Like any advertisement, it will be displayed in a cluttered marketplace: laid side-by-side against others with higher marks, more experience, greater suitability, friendship with the boss's spouse. So you have to score a few aces if you hope to win.

Sure nine times out of ten, that letter will still end up in the shredder. But the tenth time, somebody will say, I'd like to see what this audacious kid could look like. And if you sent out 50 of those letters, well you'd stand a good chance of talking yourself into a job. But I can guarantee that if you wrote the pro-forma type of letter you could send out a hundred and you'd be lucky to get a single interview.

Self advertising every day

The same principles apply to much of our life daily. Many of the letters you write are crucial and to win they have to be advertisements for themselves. Advertising is the proposal you are writing at the moment to persuade your board that they should increase your budget. It's the letter you're sending off to persuade the council that you didn't really overstay your time on a parking meter. It's the story you spin your spouse to persuade them to come with you to the next office cocktail party. It may look different but underneath it's all advertising.

And it's success will depend on the first few words.

editgold thanks Ray Beatty at www.ebeatty.com for the use of this article.


How to neuter a third person

Most of us were taught that English does not have a neuter third person singular pronoun. So if you write 'an artist must make up his own mind', you are forced to decide between saying his or her. Their, you were taught, is wrong.

However, you are indeed correct to use the word their. It has been used in this way since at least 1526, and my dictionary points out that it can be used to refer to an indefinite singular antecedent. In other words, whoever it is you have spoken about if you haven't nominated that person's gender.

An American writer, Shona Roberts wrote, 'There is even a precedent for an English plural pronoun gaining a new use as a singular one. You was once second person plural only. Starting in middle English, thee and thou gradually became reserved for close relatives and friends and social inferiors with you replacing it in more formal conversations (like the French tu and vous). Finally you edged out thou altogether for second person singular.

There are parts of the world where you has been taken a further step and been given its own plural. In America it's you all (y'all) while in Australia it's youse. Grating to the ear, but then that's how grammar gradually progresses and before too long it will probably become acceptable too.

Now isn't that something for y'all to think about.

editgold thanks Ray Beatty at www.ebeatty.com for the use of this article.